Finding the Keys…

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The Solstice and the Christmas holiday has come and gone and I will be honest in saying that this “time” was a wee bit difficult, for me.  The fact that it was “difficult” threw me for a bit of a loop and I began to wonder what, if anything, I was doing “wrong”.  I wanted to feel Light, Love, Peace, and Happiness and instead I began to feel sorrow which began to feel like a great loneliness finally culminating in an indescribable “emptiness”.  I felt the very familiar feeling of abandonment, especially after reading the wonderful stories some of you shared about your “ascension”.  There was much going on over these days, for me, and I couldn’t quite make sense of what was happening and why.  However, as with all things in this process I was able to figure it out and learn the lesson that was intended so that I could find the 3 things I believe are Key to the process…Love, Forgiveness, and Gratitude.  Here’s what happened to me, how I began to doubt the “journey”, and how I found my way to a higher place once again…
As many spoke of their process over the last week or so I realized that many were describing what happened with my awakening back in August.  I will be honest in saying that I was hoping for “more” because there were a great deal of “issues” that needed to be resolved in reality, things I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with.  I will say that if I weren’t given this Gift of awakening back in August I don’t know if I would have been emotionally strong or capable enough to handle what happened this Christmas with my family, specifically my children.  As I’ve said before, my awakening occurred when I came face to face with my “trauma” and the realization of what had been “missing” from my Life in the form of Unconditional Love and most importantly the fact that I had never learned about emotions and what they mean.  This is what I call Emotional Intelligence and a child cannot thrive without it so it’s been interesting as I’ve gone through “learning” these emotions much as a child would but in a much shorter time frame.  It’s been a process of having them come up one by one so that I could identify or name them, understand the meaning behind them, and release them if necessary.  I’ve come face to face with insecurities, fears, anger, grief, depression, discouragement, disappointment, and abandonment just to name a few.  It’s quite the job in “remembering” when my emotions have been deflected and misunderstood for as long as I can remember.  There was a realization that even though I AM worthy of this Love and Light the Light also shines on the “bad” stuff so it’s part of the process to release these things in order to let the Light shine to it’s fullest potential.  As the holidays approached, I became “frustrated” as the process of doing this can be painful at times but I also understand that it’s my Purpose to do so.  The most difficult part for me has been trying to balance being Awake with “reality”, especially the reality of my relationships with certain people.  As many know, it’s challenging at times when you are Awake but people you Love may still be sleeping.  This is the challenge that I found myself facing as Christmas approached so I began to fall into a familiar pattern of deflection because I didn’t know how to “handle” what was on my emotional plate.
Every year since my son was born my mom and step-dad have come out for Christmas.  As I’ve written about before, my son is in a very negative pattern of emotional abuse with his dad and PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome).  Dad has been on a very negative campaign of “hate” and “anger” for a long time and it’s become a requirement for my son to “hate” me in order to “love” his dad.  My parents decided not to come out this year and I was okay with that under the circumstances in realizing how complicated my relationship is with them.  One of the toughest lessons that I’ve learned in this “ascension” process is to let go of relationships that are no longer conducive to my emotional health and the realization that I may never have the relationships with certain people that I had always hoped for.  The relationships that I speak of in my situation are ones I was hoping to have with my parents but I’m very fortunate in having come to terms with this months ago.  However, what I haven’t come to terms with is that I have to “let go” of my son and not have the relationship with him that I had always hoped for and this has been my great “conflict” in all of this.
My son decided for the first time in his Life not to spend Christmas with us this year and I had to accept this so I did.  I understood that maybe his spending Christmas with dad was a Gift in that it would be very different and he may “remember” the Love that he’s been forsaking in order to gain his dad’s approval.  As this “game” with dad goes on and on and on it’s difficult as a Mother to watch all of the unnecessary collateral damage it has done emotionally to both of my children.  I’ve been at a loss as to how to explain that dad’s stuck in a cycle of putting his emotional needs before those of the kids and to do this without there being a “perception” of my being negative toward dad is a tricky puzzle to solve.  I was very, very sad that my son wouldn’t be here for Christmas but I knew I had no control over it so I accepted it as best as a Mother can.  What made it difficult is the fact that he didn’t make this choice based on Love but based on “fear” and “anger” so he was very much in my face about it hoping for a reaction from me.  I’m not sure what reaction he was looking for but I assume that he was looking for me to be hurt and angry.  As Christmas approached I tried calling, texting, and e-mailing him as he went out of his way not to answer any of them.  To make matters worse, my parents had bought him a ticket to go visit them in CA. the day after Christmas.  They decided not to come out but they also didn’t want to spend Christmas “alone” so they didn’t See the “issue” when I told  them that I didn’t  think it was a good idea for my son to come out there by himself for Christmas which is what they had originally planned.  I was Grateful that they did as I asked and waited to fly him out on the 26th just in case he changed his mind.  By the time we left my in-laws after our Christmas Eve celebration I was feeling the full effect of his absence and the full effect of the “selfishness” of the actions of those who are supposed to Love him and also Love me, Unconditionally speaking.  I tried to stay Happy and Strong for my daughter and my husband but I was really sad as we drove the hour to get home and I tried with all that I had not to cry in front of my little girl.  I was relieved to get home so I could put her to bed and have my “moment” so I was excited when I heard my favorite Christmas song “All I want for Christmas” on the radio as soon as we got home.  I turned it up…WAY up so my daughter and I could dance but instead I heard heart-wrenching sobs coming from her bedroom.  She misses her brother, she doesn’t understand why he “abandoned” her, and she’s also been trying really hard to be strong…just like me.  I comforted her and told her that I was proud of her for allowing herself to feel it and go through and we had our “moment” together.  Afterwards, we went to leave the cookies and milk for Santa and the note she wrote to Santa broke my heart all over as she said “I wish my brother were here.  That would be the best Gift ever!”…ouch!  I will say that it was a very long night and none of us got much sleep, especially my daughter.
As Christmas morning dawned I wondered what the day would bring and if I could manage with the sorrow that was weighing down my Heart.  I kept looking to the sky and asking for the Angels but I couldn’t feel them at all which made me even more sad.  I knew that I wanted Happiness and couldn’t understand why it wasn’t manifesting itself for me, especially on Christmas Day!  However, as many of you know,  the Universe is Full of Beautiful surprises.  The first Gift I opened was from my daughter and it was a painting of a tree with a sunset as it’s backdrop and these are the Gifts that have Meaning so something shifted.  The next Gift I opened was a book from my aunt and this is where I found the “something”, the key, as to what I had been missing for the last several days.  When I called my son to wish him a Merry Christmas and to let him know that he was very Loved and Missed he got angry and said I was trying to make him feel guilty.  Since he was “angry” he refused to understand that the last thing I wanted was for him to feel guilty on Christmas so I told him I Loved and Missed him right before he hung up in my face!  As I went through this process of sorrow in missing my son and realizing that the “fight” may be a little longer and harder than I had originally anticipated I forgot one of the most important things.  I forgot Gratitude and this is why I was growing more and more empty inside.  It was small at first but it went quickly once I embraced it again.  At first all I could do was be Grateful for Gratitude and then I began to find an endless amount of things to be Grateful for.  I was Grateful that my daughter was with me, that my husband and I scrapped up enough money to buy her the bike she really wanted for Christmas, that I got to See her face when she saw it for the first time, I was Grateful that the “snow dance” we did resulted in a light snow falling on Christmas Eve, and I was Grateful for the White Christmas we received as the snow looked like a Brilliant blanket of sparkly Diamonds on the ground.  As I found my Gratitude I also found Joy and then it just kept going as my Joy began to grow as well.  I can tell you that if my son would have hung up on me at Christmas last year I would have been devastated but now I realize that even though I heard his voice in “anger” and he hung up on me I still got to hear his voice in the first place, right?  I thought of the families in Connecticut and thought how much more deafening the silence would be so I was Grateful for his voice, angry or not.  Once I did that I realized how very fortunate I was and I felt somewhat “ashamed” for having forgotten to be Grateful in the first place.  I can go on and on and on and on telling you the many things that I’m Grateful for and how I turned my Christmas from sorrow to Joy by just remembering to be Grateful in the first place but instead I will tell you that I was given the Gift of being “awakened” just a little bit more.
I found another piece of my puzzle yesterday and had a great epiphany which lets me know that I’m still on my Path and working my way toward my Purpose in being awakened.  I realized that the reason I’m going through this lesson in Emotional Intelligence in this way is because I am the Blueprint for my children, specifically my son.  As I’ve been struggling with “letting go” of him I’ve finally realized that as a Mother this task is not possible so I will continue to “fight” for him in this very “3D” reality.  I realized that I AM the Wayshower for my children and it’s why I hold the Blueprint for them to “follow”.  I realized that I AM the Pillar of strength for them as I feel the stress and pressure that has made me strong like a Diamond and I will begin to shine ever more brightly the more I embrace it.  I realized that I AM the Gatekeeper and why when I was a Flight Attendant I was trained to  assess “danger” before I could open the door to safety, shout the command “come this way”,  and make sure everyone else was safe before I made my own way to safety.  This is my child and I will stay “here” until he is Safe because as a Mother it’s not in my Nature to leave him behind and I wouldn’t be much of an Angel if I did.  It’s why I was “meant” to write, it’s the “seed” I’m meant to plant, and it’s the Legacy I was told I would leave behind for my children…the Legacy that has nothing to do with money.  My children are my Butterflies so I received the Gift of a Great Purpose in leaving this Blueprint for them to follow in order to find their own Path and Purpose in this Life.  I fell to my knees in Gratitude yesterday when the Angels revealed this to me…my Purpose.  It’s another one of those Beautiful “aha!” moments that continue to come as I become more and more Awake and use the tools that I have been given – specifically Love, Forgiveness, and Gratitude.  I don’t know how much I will be writing on this blog in the near future because I now have a very important job to do and I will be harnessing the Angels and my Creative Energy to change gears so to speak.  I now understand that the book I was told to write is for my children and as we never know how much time we have it’s important that I begin this next process that is my Purpose.  I understand the meaning behind the pain I have been feeling lately as it’s given me Passion and Fire like none I’ve ever felt before.  I understand why there are so many similarities between my son’s Life and my own and it’s so that this cycle of emotional abuse can finally be broken.  It’s why the Goddess of the Moon was a Mother to me so that I could be that Mother to my children. It’s why my Angel Heart has the eye of the Creator and the feather of the Goddess of Ma’at because it’s my Purpose to make sure my children understand the Universal Laws and know about the Creator.  It’s why my Angel Heart weeps a tear of Love from the Eye of the Creator because I will only find True Joy when my children know that they are also Seen and they are also Beautiful, Worthy, and Loved Unconditionally.  it’s why I can never look back at my Life with “regret” because my whole Life has led me to this “moment” and every emotion has been necessary, painful or not.  It’s why I now understand that we are ALL Angels, Wayshowers, Pillars, and Gatekeepers because the Legacy that is Meant to be left behind is a Legacy for ALL of the children.  A Legacy of Love, Light, and Respect for Mother Earth which they will inherit in the future.  It’s why we are on “borrowed” time because this Awakening is for those who will inherit the Earth, our children.  I AM so very Grateful for these things but mostly I AM Grateful to the Mother who brings Emotional Intelligence on her Angel Wings because the children are the Future and we must care for their Hearts, Souls, and Minds.  I must break the “cycle of abuse” so that they will know the Light and all of the Magical things that come with it.   I must teach them about Unconditional Love, Forgiveness, and Gratitude because the “meek” shall inherit the Earth.  In my Universe, I AM the Guardian Angel of Motherly Love and this is my Purpose as I realize how Grateful I AM to be given such a very important “job”.